“You’re so smart, kiddo!”
How many times have you said that statement to your child? Encouraging! Lifting up! Building positive self-esteem! Showing how proud you are! Giving her a positive identity!
All of us want children in our lives to use their intelligence wisely, and to feel great about themselves The statistics show that for every negative comment or action toward a child, it takes 9 positive ones to undo the damage to the relationship. Even adults remember those negative strikes in a much more powerful way than the positive strokes we hear.
HOWEVER (What? There’s a HOWEVER to that concept of praising your child?), yes, HOWEVER, I recently read an article by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman in NEA Today (March/April 2011, pp. 30-34). It was entitled “The Praise Paradox; Are We Smothering Kids in Kind Words?” A very catchy illustration on the 2nd page pictured a child who was Atlas-style, holding on his shoulders a HUGE caption ball where “you’re so smart, kiddo” was written. Then I noticed the expression on the face of the child. Desperation, fatigue, and panic were the emotions that his small face communicated. No self-confidence, just fear and insecurity. What could be so wrong with telling a child how great he is? The child in the picture looked permanently damaged – no way to get out of his situation of holding up someone’s comment that he was so smart.
Because I had been thinking for a while about the difference between praise and support, I began a list of characteristics that I would treasure in any child, and "smart" wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list. In fact, I found caring, tenacious, generous, respectful, persistent, fearless, kind, confident, curious, hardworking and cooperative taking the top eleven spots. It occurred to me that those descriptors came from watching other people who had those qualities and with whom the had a strong connection. The child made the unconscious choice to be like that person.
So, I went from there to the question, “What should we say to children that would be better than ‘You’re so smart, Kiddo!’”
THE KEY WAS TO AVOID PASSING MY JUDGEMENT – EVEN JUDGEMENT THAT SOUNDED GOOD. I did not want children to require my label of “smart” for them to feel confident and persistent. What I did want was FOR THEM TO EVALUATE THEIR ACTIONS FOR THEMSELVES. I could very easily relate my support through body language – smile, hug, pleasant voice tone - and a comment that would direct the judgment back on them. “Wow! Look at the smile on your face! You’re so proud of yourself!” or “You look like you really enjoyed working hard so you could make such a great project.” or “Isn’t it fun to help your Nonna and see how much she appreciates your help?”
Did I tell you my 7 month old grandson already calls me “Nonna?” :)
It's hard for us to allow children to make judgments about their surroundings, but that is what we need to prepare them to do. Think of all the situations they will need to evaluate as they grow up! They need practice while we are around to support them.
Dr. Colleen J. Morich (alias "Nonna!")
