ScreamFree Parenting Saves the Parent...and the Child

Have you ever had one of those epiphanies about whatever it is you’re doing that makes you totally change your way of acting in that situation?

Four weeks ago, a parent at my middle school came in with her son (and his grandmother- it takes a village...). She was frustrated that her son wasn’t minding her. She would make him study with her for, and he would still do poorly on the tests. All of his teachers said he was most capable, but sometimes he just didn’t do his best. How many times have I heard that from parents about middle school students? Lots!

As we talked, it became clear to me that this mother loved her son very much. Earlier in the year, we had had a similar conversation. My response was inspired by the philosophies in ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel) – especially “focus on yourself.” I could tell as we talked that she felt the issue was with her son, and when I mentioned that his behavior was in direct response of her power struggle with him, she couldn’t quite wrap her head around that idea.

Everybody learns differently – some learn better by moving, some by hearing, some by seeing, and some by reading. I knew this woman to be an avid reader, so I loaned her my copy of ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. (Not to worry, Hal. I immediately went out and got me another copy! I don’t last long without it!)

So, Thursday of this last week, I saw this same parent at the school. She ran to me and hugged me, saying, “Thank you so very much for introducing me to that book. My son is acting so differently now!”

“And...?” I responded.

She immediately knew what I was asking. “And, I’m acting differently toward him now. I try to NEVER scream. If he says he doesn’t have any homework, I say, ‘OK’. If he says he wants to play outside before studying for his test, I say,’OK!’ If he doesn’t make up his bed, he gives me a dollar from his allowance for making up his bed for him. I don’t need to scream at him anymore because I know that his choices will determine his consequences, and if I get mad and scream, that just means he has more problems than he created. It is so freeing to give myself permission to let this perfectly capable young man make his own decisions on the things that are appropriate for his age. I’m even trying to find other things to do, because I suddenly have so much more time on my hands, and my son and I are so much closer than we were. We were always fighting! Now, we’re not. The ScreamFree Parenting book has saved my relationship with my son! His father is not in the picture, and I wanted so badly for him to have a “normal” life. What made me think that being screamed at all the time was normal?”

Thank you, Hal. Another family is on the right track!

Start with Benvenuto!...Enjoy Making Friends from Around the World...End with Arrivederci!

Yes, it’s Italy! I breathe a long, peaceful sigh as I think of the place. When we went recently, we stayed most of the time in Sicily (“see chee lay ”), and it was simply magical.

The Planeta family’s La Foresteria became home base. Talk about the power of relationships! The staff was extremely welcoming, friendly and helpful. We wanted to send a book to our grandson about Italian farms that had buttons to make the animal sounds. Cristina offered to mail it for us. Peter thought up the idea of doing our own wine tasting. Francesco added a Planeta Vineyard wine and cheerfully wrapped all four bottles in aluminum foil; then, he played the part of sommelier to serve each wine. Of the 7 of us that happened there at the same time in the off season, all but one chose the La Foresteria’s owners’ Planeta wine as their favorite. Francesco cheered the loudest, and ran up the stairs to share the news with one of the Planeta owners. We needed a phone card, and again it just so happened that Cristina would be going by the store where she would be glad to buy one for us on the way to work the next morning. We couldn’t have been treated more graciously.

Did I mention the 7 of us? Scotland, Sweden, England, Brazil, Argentina, and the USA were all represented in that small group. English was the common language; but interest, caring, giving and sharing were the common goals as we nightly sat at the table for 30 that was intimately set for 7. Having this communal table encouraged all of us to reach out in friendship to the others from all over Europe and the Americas. Topics ranged from each person’s local environs to our favorite meals to pets to careers to extended family to plans for the coming days, and on and on. Stories galore were shared in that short space of 6 days. We all knew when Graham’s lost luggage was finally brought to him from the airport, when the safe that I made malfunction was repaired, when “foreigners” (We became quite possessive of our little home-away-from-home!) came in to take a cooking class, and when Paulo and Elaine joined us for just one night.

The most fun things about the whole experience were the commonalities that we discovered among the group. Paulo and Elaine came thousands of miles to meet Adrianna and Oscar, who live 5 minutes away in San Paulo, Brazil. Paulo and Elaine had also lived in Sweden, as had Fiona, Richard and Graham. Graham and Peter knew all about movies that anyone mentioned. Fiona, Richard and I all work in education. The similarities among us continued to crop up throughout the week. To come from so many diverse worlds, we learned that we had more in common than we had differences.

The relationships among the La Foresteria staff as well as all of us made this trip to the wonderful island of Sicily “more rich” and memorable. We are all already emailing each other pictures and saying, “We loved getting to know you. Please come to see us or let’s meet again at La Foresteria!” Now, how can anyone resist that invitation from friends?