ScreamFree Parenting Saves the Parent...and the Child

Have you ever had one of those epiphanies about whatever it is you’re doing that makes you totally change your way of acting in that situation?

Four weeks ago, a parent at my middle school came in with her son (and his grandmother- it takes a village...). She was frustrated that her son wasn’t minding her. She would make him study with her for, and he would still do poorly on the tests. All of his teachers said he was most capable, but sometimes he just didn’t do his best. How many times have I heard that from parents about middle school students? Lots!

As we talked, it became clear to me that this mother loved her son very much. Earlier in the year, we had had a similar conversation. My response was inspired by the philosophies in ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel) – especially “focus on yourself.” I could tell as we talked that she felt the issue was with her son, and when I mentioned that his behavior was in direct response of her power struggle with him, she couldn’t quite wrap her head around that idea.

Everybody learns differently – some learn better by moving, some by hearing, some by seeing, and some by reading. I knew this woman to be an avid reader, so I loaned her my copy of ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. (Not to worry, Hal. I immediately went out and got me another copy! I don’t last long without it!)

So, Thursday of this last week, I saw this same parent at the school. She ran to me and hugged me, saying, “Thank you so very much for introducing me to that book. My son is acting so differently now!”

“And...?” I responded.

She immediately knew what I was asking. “And, I’m acting differently toward him now. I try to NEVER scream. If he says he doesn’t have any homework, I say, ‘OK’. If he says he wants to play outside before studying for his test, I say,’OK!’ If he doesn’t make up his bed, he gives me a dollar from his allowance for making up his bed for him. I don’t need to scream at him anymore because I know that his choices will determine his consequences, and if I get mad and scream, that just means he has more problems than he created. It is so freeing to give myself permission to let this perfectly capable young man make his own decisions on the things that are appropriate for his age. I’m even trying to find other things to do, because I suddenly have so much more time on my hands, and my son and I are so much closer than we were. We were always fighting! Now, we’re not. The ScreamFree Parenting book has saved my relationship with my son! His father is not in the picture, and I wanted so badly for him to have a “normal” life. What made me think that being screamed at all the time was normal?”

Thank you, Hal. Another family is on the right track!