Revenge!

“Don’t let him get by with that! Why are you putting up with that garbage? Get him back!”

This type of thinking has its merit...until you get to the last sentence. “Get him back!” Life is short, and filling your life with vengeful thoughts and actions poisons your body and your mind. The good news is that we can all choose to approach someone else’s disrespect in positive and productive ways.

Taking up for yourself is a healthy thing to do, WHEN when it is done in a gentle and respectful way. It cleanses you of those negative thoughts without fueling the negative response.

Last week, two 11-year-old boys were in my counseling office at school. We’ll call them Victor and Duke. Victor was larger, but definitely the weaker presence of the two. Victor had been crying in class, and he was teased about crying, called names and threatened by Duke. Victor told me how he felt, and he expressed what he would like to say to Duke if he were in the room, so I asked Victor if he would be willing to let me invite Duke to meet with him and me. I explained that if he were brave enough to tell Duke how he felt about the way he was treating him and how he wanted him to act toward him in the future, Duke would know that Victor has the courage to face him. Also, importantly, I would know that Victor had asked for a change of relationship between them; and hopefully, Duke would have agreed to make that change. Then, if Duke continued to treat Victor disrespectfully, Duke would be in trouble at school with his administrator.

I was amazed and pleased that Victor decided that was a good idea. When Duke came in the door, he looked at Victor as if he were his best friend. I went ahead with my normal script anyway, “You two know each other, right?”

Victor shook his head “Yes,” but Duke enthusiastically said, “Oh, yes, Victor and I are in Ms. Brooks’ class together. He’s a great guy!” I could tell that Duke really wanted me to believe nothing had happened between them. I had seen this act used in the past to cover up bad decisions.

I explained to both boys that it was very important to me that my boys knew they could come to me when there was a conflict and resolve it peacefully by talking to each other in my office. It showed a lot of courage on both boys’ parts.“

I turned to Duke and said, “Victor has something he wants to say to you, ok?” Duke shook his head and said, “Ok” – looking nervous and not knowing what was coming next.

Victor was having a difficult time facing Duke, but he would cut his eyes over at him occasionally. “I don’t like to be teased and called names and threatened. Besides, I bet you don’t even know that my great-grandmother died yesterday.” Victor paused as Duke caught his breath, and both boys teared up. In a couple of minutes, Victor continued, “Duke, when you do those things, everybody else does them, too. I just want you to stop and to be a good person, then everybody else will want go do that, too. So, I have 2 questions for you to answer: 1) Will you stop teasing and calling names and threatening people? and 2) Will you start being a good person?”

There was a long pause. Then, Duke hung his head and said quietly, “Yes, I will. I’ll stop bullying, and I will be a good person.”

Out of the mouths of babes! I couldn’t resist the urge to pump up both boys, “Duke, did you hear what else Victor said? He said that you are a powerful leader! You can lead people to go up and do good things, or you can lead people to go down and do bad things. You can lead people to go up or go down, and it sounds like Victor will be your very best cheerleader if you do the right thing and lead everyone else to do the right thing, too. Isn’t that correct, Victor?”

Victor readily agreed, and both boys signed a statement that their conflict was over before they returned to class together.

No revenge needed, just standing up for yourself in a gentle and respectful way!

Go in peace,

Dr. Morich

Anger Is Secondary!

Teachers returned to work at my school this past week. It was a different start to the school year. Three times more new students enrolled than in previous years, and all of the 6^th graders coming in are required to have their updated immunizations in their records BEFORE the first day of school.

There are times that this immunization rule causes anxiety and stress for parents, especially if they have somehow missed the announcements and fliers that were provided 5 months ago (or perhaps they procrastinated?). So, I gave a courtesy call to all the parents whose students didn’t have the correct immunization forms. One parent in particular was extremely agitated about the “late” notice. She did  come immediately to school WITH the correct form and continued to protest about how I had inconvenienced her and that her children needed to be at their sports practice in 5 minutes. They couldn’t be late for practice, but she still stayed to complain.

Many years ago, I learned anger is a secondary emotion. It is ALWAYS a response to some other anxiety-producing feeling – embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, grief, sadness, surprise, disgust, anxiety, fatigue, hunger, unhappiness, fear – the list is very long. In addition, ScreamFree Parenting (2008) taught me to separate my feelings from other people’s feelings. If someone is upset, that is their issue until, and unless, I choose to make it my problem, too. I have the choice about how I respond. I can become upset with them (Then, there are 2 problems instead of just one!), or I can choose to listen and reflect back my compassion and understanding of their response.

So, Hal Runkel (http://www.screamfree.com) would have been proud!  I responded to the mother as I got up and walked her out to her children who were waiting to go to their practice, “I understand how frustrated you are. It was wonderful of you to bring the immunization form by so your child can come to school on Monday. Now, go on and get those children to practice. Thanks again!” By then, I was smiling at her.

I can’t say SHE was smiling when she left, but at least I didn’t make the situation worse. I refrained from engaging her in a verbal altercation that would have taken even more of “her precious time.”

However, I have to admit that I did consider handing her my copy of ScreamFree Parenting on the way out. If she will come to school and be out of control, I’m sure it happens at home and other places.

Here’s your homework for this week – watch for anger in yourself and others. Then, ask yourself these questions, “What other emotion is the real problem underneath that anger? How could that person (or you) express that feeling more positively, honestly and respectfully?” It would be fun if you kept a journal of  “Anger Issues and Their Primary Feelings!”

Choose to have a GREAT week!

Dr. Morich

Wild at Heart – The Book!

Men, especially, but women, too, this is for YOU!

I’m in the middle of reading a book called Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge (2001). In it, Eldredge addresses what he considers to be men’s 3 heartfelt, basic goals in life:

1.     Overcome danger

2.     Have an adventure

3.     Save the Beauty

Were any of you taken back by that list? Can’t you think of many other things in life that men would list as their goals? I can, too, but that just solidifies Eldredge’s philosophy in Wild at Heart. Men have listened to too many other messages in their lives and ignored what their heart desires to be happy, healthy and whole.

Because of the long list of goals that I’ve heard people have in life, I was interested in this approach that starts on the inside, so I asked my husband Peter. To my surprise, he responded, “Yes! That’s exactly right for me! What I really want is to be confident that I’m strong and capable of addressing serious or severe situations. Also, I yearn to experience fun and variety in life, and I want to take EXTREMELY good care of my LOVELY and WONDERFUL Beauty.” (Yes, that part made me smile!)

Think of that! Could it be that society, the media, and even the church (WHAT? Now he’s messing with God?) have been raising boys to be men in the wrong way?

I’ll have to say that the more Eldredge continued on this path, the more I was intrigued by his approach, especially with Peter’s validation that he was on target! I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the book. I want to know what the women of the world are supposed to do if the men are out overcoming danger, having fun adventures and saving them. That sounds more than a little chauvinistic, but I have this strange feeling that his answer will be one that might be exactly right for me, too. As my sweet mother used to say, “We’ll see!”

Let me know what you think if you decided to read it. (Available to order on Amazon.com)