Anger Is Secondary!

Teachers returned to work at my school this past week. It was a different start to the school year. Three times more new students enrolled than in previous years, and all of the 6^th graders coming in are required to have their updated immunizations in their records BEFORE the first day of school.

There are times that this immunization rule causes anxiety and stress for parents, especially if they have somehow missed the announcements and fliers that were provided 5 months ago (or perhaps they procrastinated?). So, I gave a courtesy call to all the parents whose students didn’t have the correct immunization forms. One parent in particular was extremely agitated about the “late” notice. She did  come immediately to school WITH the correct form and continued to protest about how I had inconvenienced her and that her children needed to be at their sports practice in 5 minutes. They couldn’t be late for practice, but she still stayed to complain.

Many years ago, I learned anger is a secondary emotion. It is ALWAYS a response to some other anxiety-producing feeling – embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, grief, sadness, surprise, disgust, anxiety, fatigue, hunger, unhappiness, fear – the list is very long. In addition, ScreamFree Parenting (2008) taught me to separate my feelings from other people’s feelings. If someone is upset, that is their issue until, and unless, I choose to make it my problem, too. I have the choice about how I respond. I can become upset with them (Then, there are 2 problems instead of just one!), or I can choose to listen and reflect back my compassion and understanding of their response.

So, Hal Runkel (http://www.screamfree.com) would have been proud!  I responded to the mother as I got up and walked her out to her children who were waiting to go to their practice, “I understand how frustrated you are. It was wonderful of you to bring the immunization form by so your child can come to school on Monday. Now, go on and get those children to practice. Thanks again!” By then, I was smiling at her.

I can’t say SHE was smiling when she left, but at least I didn’t make the situation worse. I refrained from engaging her in a verbal altercation that would have taken even more of “her precious time.”

However, I have to admit that I did consider handing her my copy of ScreamFree Parenting on the way out. If she will come to school and be out of control, I’m sure it happens at home and other places.

Here’s your homework for this week – watch for anger in yourself and others. Then, ask yourself these questions, “What other emotion is the real problem underneath that anger? How could that person (or you) express that feeling more positively, honestly and respectfully?” It would be fun if you kept a journal of  “Anger Issues and Their Primary Feelings!”

Choose to have a GREAT week!

Dr. Morich