GO, FEDERER!

Admiration is not nearly a strong enough term for what I think about the great tennis star Roger Federer, and his pull-out in the finals of the APT World Tour today just cinched my high regard.

"Fed," as those of us who are his closest friends call him, actually had the job done at 6-3, 5-2, but something happened that I have seen many times from Fed. He "let" the opponent win the 2nd set, just to make it more fun for the crowd! And, it surely did make it more fun. Fortunately for my husband and others in my life, I was home alone when that happened. My heart skipped a beat. My brother Tom would have been proud of the screaming and pumping my arms and dancing around I felt compelled to do to encourage "my Fed" to do what he had done so many other times - pull it out handily in the last set. Today, I even pulled the "Fed! Think about how much your twin daughters would love to see you win this tournament!"

There have been times that I have thought that Fed should just go ahead and finish the match, without all this anxiety-producing  drama; but, what's the fun in that? Huh? Tennis is a "game" after all, and games are meant to be lots of fun. Where was my faith in my tennis hero? It was there...honest!...but it was great fun to get caught up in the hype, to be his main vibrant supporter from across the globe. He "needed" me to play along, and I had his back! That's what relationships are all about, after all, right?

'Way to go, Fed! WE did it again!

Colleen

NOOOOOOO! YOU CAN’T GO!

Dennys came running into my office. “Noooooo! You can’t go!” And he grabbed me in a big bear hug.

I have been Dennys’ School Counselor for 2 years. In 6^th grade, Dennys came up and hugged me every morning, as I greeted him in the hallway. He didn’t care who was around or who was watching. This year, though, was different. The first day of 7^th grade, Dennys looked different to me. He looked older and more mature. “Wow! What a big change!” I thought, as I smiled at his growing up.

Then, as he approached, reality set in. He wasn’t coming straight to me for his big bear hug, and he wasn’t looking me in the eye. I held out my arm in anticipation, as I had the entire 6^th grade year. I called out his name cheerily, but that only made him look nervously at me. Then the bitter sweet truth set in: Dennys had outgrown hugging his School Counselor.

I adjusted quickly and held up my open hand for a “high 5” slap. His reservation ended, and he smiled as he “high 5’ed” me back. The anxious moment of agreeing on a 7^th grade appropriate greeting was over.

However, when Dennys received the word that I was retiring at the end of this month, he was all too happy to go back to the way we were. It was almost as if he blamed himself for my leaving because he quit giving me daily hugs. 

“Why do you HAVE to go?”

“Dennys, I’m so glad that you will miss me, because you are very special to me, too; and I will miss you as well.” Then, I explained that my husband was accepted at the University in Italy, and I was going to retire and go with him to Italy.

“Ohhh!” Dennys said thoughtfully. Then his brain took over for his heart, and he agreed that I should go with my husband. After another big hug, he left, mumbling to himself.

It was a priceless interchange that I have already written in my journal. My relationships with Dennys and so many other students have made my years in education much more than gratifying and satisfying. They have been priceless and unforgettable. I shall cherish all of them.

Thank you all,

Dr. Morich

IT”S TIME!

People always told me that when it’s time to retire, you will know it. Now I can attest to that as the truth.

I sent an email to my principal, “Could you meet with me after school today?” She said that would be fine; so, I went into her office with my happy face on.

“I have exciting news!”

“Really? What is it?”

“Well, my husband Peter has been accepted into a year-long Masters program in Food Culture and Communication at the Slow Food University of Gastronomic Sciences.”

“Oh, my goodness! That IS exciting news! I’m sure he is so pleased! When does he start?”

“March 21!”

“And it’s for a year? Where is the University?”

“Ahhhhh, Pollenzo, Italy. Sort of Northeast of Genoa in Piemonte.”

“ITALY? Oh, my goodness! He’ll be gone for a whole year? You’ll really miss him, won’t you?”

With my head cocked to the side, “Hmmm, well, no, I really won’t.” And I handed her an envelope.

Looking suspicious, my principal took the envelope, “What IS this?” She caught her breath, “You’re retiring, aren’t you?” and she read the letter, “WHAT! YOU’RE GOING WITH PETER, AND YOU’RE RETIRING ON DECEMBER 1^ST...in just 2 months!?” She looked up at me, smiling. “This is a FANTASTIC opportunity! I am sooooo jealous and happy for both of you, but are you sure....never mind...that would have been a really stupid question.”

From there, she came around her desk to give me a hug and tell me how excited she was for Peter and me. She understood that by retiring on December 1^st, I would be able to spend some time with the new grandchild and our 1 ½ year old grandchild before leaving for the year. She just wanted to be me at that moment and take off to spend lots of time with grandchildren and then jet off to Italy for an extended stay.

I didn’t blame her. Peter and I are both pinching ourselves about our upcoming adventure. It’s time for retirement! Oh, yes! IT’S TIME!

Ciao,

Dr. Morich 

GOD HAS YOUR BACK, OH, YEAH!

A few days ago, I attended a celebration of the life of one of my 6^th grade student’s father. Mr. Taylor had died of a heart attack in his sleep, and his son Jessie had found him the next morning. Gratefully, he had not recognized at that time that his dad was dead. Jessie thought he was just sleeping late.

This celebration was a time for family and friends to gather and speak to the group about memories or any thing that was on their minds. Mr. Aden had played professional basketball with Mr. Taylor's brother, and he told about the day of his own transfer away from that team. Mr. Aden  had been very upset and frustrated about being moved. He didn’t want to leave his teammates.

Mr. Aden went on to tell about the conversation he had with Mr. Taylor about the transfer. Mr Taylor had looked at him and told him everything would work out ok. “God has your back, oh yeah!” he said. Mr. Aden said a feeling of peacefulness came over him at that moment, and he knew that it would all work out just fine.

The speaker remembered how much those words had meant to him. When he told this celebration group about it, he added that he knew his friend would say now, that God has all of our backs while we are grieving about the death. It was comforting to know that Mr. Taylor didn’t need God to have his back now. He was WITH God, but we could be assured that He would “have our backs” at any time we needed Him.

Thank you, God, for “having our backs, oh yeah!”

Dr. Morich

RED ROSES!

Vibrant red roses make most situations much more special.

Our son Kyle recently asked his girlfriend to marry him! We were soooooo excited! We love Victoria and were “patiently” and eagerly awaiting their engagement.

Kyle was a classy act as he set up the romantic time to “pop the question.” When Victoria came home from work, he was waiting in her apartment. There was a gorgeous red rose with a lovely picture of the two of them on the front door. She came in the door, and in front of her on a pillar was another magnificent red rose with another lovely picture of them. From this pillar, there were soft rose petals leading into the next room, where Kyle was waiting on bended knee, with another memorable red rose and another one of their lovely pictures. He told her how much he loved her and asked her to be his bride.

She said, “Yes!” and cried and cried. He probably did, too.

Keep those red roses coming! What a beautiful way to celebrate a beautiful occasion!

How often do parents get the opportunity to watch their grown children reach a place in their lives when they choose the person they want to marry and live with for the rest of their lives? What a blessing we feel to watch them nurture those relationships - embrace their differences, cherish their time together and encourage each other to pursue their passions! 

Congratulations, Kyle and Victoria! We couldn’t be happier about your upcoming wedding. May God bless your marriage!

With love,

Colleen

In Love... with Gelato

Love happens in all sorts of surprising situations.

Recently, I've discovered that people have a much more positive outlook on their relationships when they are having gelato (Italian form of ice cream). They smile at the people around them when they feel the creaminess in their mouth. They feel more loving and more lovable when they taste the wonderful flavors. They dream of their relationships and getting together with people they love when they experience a mixture of gelato flavors.

In a word, people realize how special the people around them are when they have gelato to share. Don't miss an opportunity for MORE RICH RELATIONSHIPS! Buy gelato today!

In love...with gelato,

Dr. Morich

Problem Solving Team

Nurse Tiffany made my overnight sleep study as pleasurable as it could be. In the hour that she was hooking me up to all sorts of electrical leads, we were having a running conversation... about running.

She had recently lost 30 pounds with the help of a prescription drug. She was within 5 pounds of her goal weight, but she felt saggy all over. Her skin was loose. She was at a plateau of losing weight. She was done with the prescription drug - too much like uppers that were addictive.

All this while, the leads continued to be attached. She had been in this job for eleven and a half years. I guess she could have done it in her sleep. There must have been 30 or more wires. I sent a picture by text to my husband, whose response was, "How do they expect you to ever get any sleep with all those wires all over you?" But I was not at all anxious or nervous, because Nurse Tiffany and I were working together to solve a problem. How can she firm up her suddenly slimmer, but saggy, body?

So, Nurse Tiffany continued to connect me to the electric wires, and I started asking questions. You need some exercise. What do you like to do? Tiffany really enjoyed walking with her friend, who had also recently lost some weight. They walked 2 miles 2 or 3 times each week. Perfect! That's a start. If you aren't getting the results you want, change what you are doing. So, we talked about how she could change the distance, time and/or difficulty to get her desired results. Nurse Tiffany continuously made comments to let me know she was engaged and very interested in the conversation.

She said that she would really like to run; but every time she tried, she would get out of breath, feel like she was dying and quit. That led to a conversation about being patient and listening to your body. I shared with her the wisdom of my chiropractor when I first wanted to run again. Dr. Salzmann said to stretch before I started, start off on flat  ground, run until I started getting out of breath, then slow down to where I could breath more comfortably. When I had my breath back, speed up a little, but slow back down as needed. She said to go back and forth like that, not beating myself up if I weren't running fast or if I could only run short distances at first. Just focus on constant progress, and add longer, faster, more hilly runs when I felt myself leveling off again.

The thing that I remember most about that night was not the sleep study and the wires that were all over me. The thing that I cherish was the relationship with my nurse. I was confident that I had been helpful to her. She was obviously relieved to hear someone tell her from their experience that she would be just fine, without having to push so hard that it was painful. Solving a problem together had made a potentially uncomfortable night into an enjoyable one.

The next morning, I asked Nurse Tiffany, "Besides the drugs, how did you lose all that weight in the first place? What foods did you eat and not eat?" After our conversation about her exercise the night before, I had been thinking about what I could learn from her about her food plan. So, while she was unhooking all those electrical leads, we addressed my concerns as well. What a team!

I hope all of you find a Nurse Tiffany the next time you are in an uncomfortable situation.

Love,

Dr. Morich

Revenge!

“Don’t let him get by with that! Why are you putting up with that garbage? Get him back!”

This type of thinking has its merit...until you get to the last sentence. “Get him back!” Life is short, and filling your life with vengeful thoughts and actions poisons your body and your mind. The good news is that we can all choose to approach someone else’s disrespect in positive and productive ways.

Taking up for yourself is a healthy thing to do, WHEN when it is done in a gentle and respectful way. It cleanses you of those negative thoughts without fueling the negative response.

Last week, two 11-year-old boys were in my counseling office at school. We’ll call them Victor and Duke. Victor was larger, but definitely the weaker presence of the two. Victor had been crying in class, and he was teased about crying, called names and threatened by Duke. Victor told me how he felt, and he expressed what he would like to say to Duke if he were in the room, so I asked Victor if he would be willing to let me invite Duke to meet with him and me. I explained that if he were brave enough to tell Duke how he felt about the way he was treating him and how he wanted him to act toward him in the future, Duke would know that Victor has the courage to face him. Also, importantly, I would know that Victor had asked for a change of relationship between them; and hopefully, Duke would have agreed to make that change. Then, if Duke continued to treat Victor disrespectfully, Duke would be in trouble at school with his administrator.

I was amazed and pleased that Victor decided that was a good idea. When Duke came in the door, he looked at Victor as if he were his best friend. I went ahead with my normal script anyway, “You two know each other, right?”

Victor shook his head “Yes,” but Duke enthusiastically said, “Oh, yes, Victor and I are in Ms. Brooks’ class together. He’s a great guy!” I could tell that Duke really wanted me to believe nothing had happened between them. I had seen this act used in the past to cover up bad decisions.

I explained to both boys that it was very important to me that my boys knew they could come to me when there was a conflict and resolve it peacefully by talking to each other in my office. It showed a lot of courage on both boys’ parts.“

I turned to Duke and said, “Victor has something he wants to say to you, ok?” Duke shook his head and said, “Ok” – looking nervous and not knowing what was coming next.

Victor was having a difficult time facing Duke, but he would cut his eyes over at him occasionally. “I don’t like to be teased and called names and threatened. Besides, I bet you don’t even know that my great-grandmother died yesterday.” Victor paused as Duke caught his breath, and both boys teared up. In a couple of minutes, Victor continued, “Duke, when you do those things, everybody else does them, too. I just want you to stop and to be a good person, then everybody else will want go do that, too. So, I have 2 questions for you to answer: 1) Will you stop teasing and calling names and threatening people? and 2) Will you start being a good person?”

There was a long pause. Then, Duke hung his head and said quietly, “Yes, I will. I’ll stop bullying, and I will be a good person.”

Out of the mouths of babes! I couldn’t resist the urge to pump up both boys, “Duke, did you hear what else Victor said? He said that you are a powerful leader! You can lead people to go up and do good things, or you can lead people to go down and do bad things. You can lead people to go up or go down, and it sounds like Victor will be your very best cheerleader if you do the right thing and lead everyone else to do the right thing, too. Isn’t that correct, Victor?”

Victor readily agreed, and both boys signed a statement that their conflict was over before they returned to class together.

No revenge needed, just standing up for yourself in a gentle and respectful way!

Go in peace,

Dr. Morich

Anger Is Secondary!

Teachers returned to work at my school this past week. It was a different start to the school year. Three times more new students enrolled than in previous years, and all of the 6^th graders coming in are required to have their updated immunizations in their records BEFORE the first day of school.

There are times that this immunization rule causes anxiety and stress for parents, especially if they have somehow missed the announcements and fliers that were provided 5 months ago (or perhaps they procrastinated?). So, I gave a courtesy call to all the parents whose students didn’t have the correct immunization forms. One parent in particular was extremely agitated about the “late” notice. She did  come immediately to school WITH the correct form and continued to protest about how I had inconvenienced her and that her children needed to be at their sports practice in 5 minutes. They couldn’t be late for practice, but she still stayed to complain.

Many years ago, I learned anger is a secondary emotion. It is ALWAYS a response to some other anxiety-producing feeling – embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, grief, sadness, surprise, disgust, anxiety, fatigue, hunger, unhappiness, fear – the list is very long. In addition, ScreamFree Parenting (2008) taught me to separate my feelings from other people’s feelings. If someone is upset, that is their issue until, and unless, I choose to make it my problem, too. I have the choice about how I respond. I can become upset with them (Then, there are 2 problems instead of just one!), or I can choose to listen and reflect back my compassion and understanding of their response.

So, Hal Runkel (http://www.screamfree.com) would have been proud!  I responded to the mother as I got up and walked her out to her children who were waiting to go to their practice, “I understand how frustrated you are. It was wonderful of you to bring the immunization form by so your child can come to school on Monday. Now, go on and get those children to practice. Thanks again!” By then, I was smiling at her.

I can’t say SHE was smiling when she left, but at least I didn’t make the situation worse. I refrained from engaging her in a verbal altercation that would have taken even more of “her precious time.”

However, I have to admit that I did consider handing her my copy of ScreamFree Parenting on the way out. If she will come to school and be out of control, I’m sure it happens at home and other places.

Here’s your homework for this week – watch for anger in yourself and others. Then, ask yourself these questions, “What other emotion is the real problem underneath that anger? How could that person (or you) express that feeling more positively, honestly and respectfully?” It would be fun if you kept a journal of  “Anger Issues and Their Primary Feelings!”

Choose to have a GREAT week!

Dr. Morich

Wild at Heart – The Book!

Men, especially, but women, too, this is for YOU!

I’m in the middle of reading a book called Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge (2001). In it, Eldredge addresses what he considers to be men’s 3 heartfelt, basic goals in life:

1.     Overcome danger

2.     Have an adventure

3.     Save the Beauty

Were any of you taken back by that list? Can’t you think of many other things in life that men would list as their goals? I can, too, but that just solidifies Eldredge’s philosophy in Wild at Heart. Men have listened to too many other messages in their lives and ignored what their heart desires to be happy, healthy and whole.

Because of the long list of goals that I’ve heard people have in life, I was interested in this approach that starts on the inside, so I asked my husband Peter. To my surprise, he responded, “Yes! That’s exactly right for me! What I really want is to be confident that I’m strong and capable of addressing serious or severe situations. Also, I yearn to experience fun and variety in life, and I want to take EXTREMELY good care of my LOVELY and WONDERFUL Beauty.” (Yes, that part made me smile!)

Think of that! Could it be that society, the media, and even the church (WHAT? Now he’s messing with God?) have been raising boys to be men in the wrong way?

I’ll have to say that the more Eldredge continued on this path, the more I was intrigued by his approach, especially with Peter’s validation that he was on target! I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the book. I want to know what the women of the world are supposed to do if the men are out overcoming danger, having fun adventures and saving them. That sounds more than a little chauvinistic, but I have this strange feeling that his answer will be one that might be exactly right for me, too. As my sweet mother used to say, “We’ll see!”

Let me know what you think if you decided to read it. (Available to order on Amazon.com)

Joseph's Coat of Many Colors

Attached you will see a picture of the altar kneeler that was needlepointed by one of the women in our church. Peter and I sponsored the kneeler; and recently, the church dedicated it in honor of my parents.

Both of my parents were devout Methodists, and I grew up in that church. My mother was Director of Christian Education, organizing and training the Christian Education curriculum and activities in the church. My father used his Adult Education background to present "Can-Do!" rallies, encouraging churches in the area to organize and develop programs that met the spiritual growth needs of each church's members.

I have continuously appreciate the foundation my parents provided for me. It was extremely special to us to be able to honor them by contributing the materials for this exquisite kneeler to be made for our church. It feels so good to be giving back, when so much has been given to us!

Old Friends Are Better Than Gold!

We have spent very special time this weekend with our long-time friends Sam and Sandy. You probably know someone that is as close to you as Sam and Sandy are to us.

Many years ago, we were in college together. Afterwards, our families went their separate ways, but when we had opportunities to get together, we picked right up as if we lived next door. We have had special times together throughout the years, and we have communicated through phone, emails, Christmas cards, etc.

Our children spent many happy days together long ago, and sometimes they still communicate with each other. They all care what is going on and love to hear about what is happening with each other. During this weekend our son Nick joined us for dinner with Sam and Sandy. It was a treat for him to hear some of the old stories and get caught up on new news. He wrote me to say that it was "so good to be around such special people again."

These are relationships that continue to make a dent in our lives. We all know that we care about what is happening in each other's family's lives. We would all be only a phone call away if help were needed. Nick's right, those are such special people! We cherish their friendship.

Safe travels home, Sam and Sandy, see you again soon!

Colleen

Relating to an 11 Month-Old Grandson

Would you consider it remiss of me to neglect my "More Rich Relationships" blog for a few weeks to build a stronger relationship with our 11 month-old grandson?

We have spent almost 3 weeks with him (and his mama and da), and I can honestly say that seeing an 11 month-old's big, joyful smile when he sees me coming is pure relationship heaven! His outstretched arms communicate a love and acceptance that nothing can surpass. I must be the most important person in the universe for him to want me to grab him up and gummy his tummy!

He is learning words. When he drops his spoon, he will now say "Uh-oh!" in his adorable way. Everybody replies, "Uh-oh!"

Important things in life are called by their first syllable, such as "ki" for kitten and "ba" for ball or baby or backyard. His parents have taught him some sign language, too; so now he understands that I know he wants blueberries. Likewise, he knows that he can have a bite of blueberry AFTER he takes a bite of some yummy squash with yogurt in it. We are understanding each other pretty well.

As I have said many times before, communication is at the root of any relationship, and an 11 month-old relationship is no different. When our grandson is tired or sleepy, he still cries sometimes to communicate his discomfort. I have learned that a little rocking and a soft song will communicate to him that he is safe with me and that I will try my best to take care of his needs.

It's also important for me to look for teachable moments, and to do my best to uplift that little guy anyway I can. When he bites something or someone he shouldn't, I must not get all worked up. I should just calmly and firmly tell him what the consequences of his action are. The first time I said calmly and firmly, "When you bite your mama, it hurts her," he looked like I had stabbed him and cried with dismay. The first time I responded to his demand for more blueberries with, "You have to take a bite of squash before you can have more blueberries," he looked at me trying to discern if I really meant if, but he finally opened his mouth wide for the spoonful of squash before gobbling down the blueberry with a huge, dancing smile. The first time he tightened up both of his fists and growled like a bear, I said, "Look what a strong boy you are,"

I can hardly wait to see him again. He will be older, and his communication with be far more advanced than it is now. It will be obvious, as it has been recently, that building my relationship with him will be a top priority, just as it has been in the last 3 weeks.

Thanks for a lovely visit! With love,

Nonna

WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY!

Picture this: Two “mature” (One of them is my age! That is NOT OLD!) women, who speak different languages, are sitting side by side. One is the mother of the woman whose house my dear, sweet, high school friend Glenda is living in for the summer in France through a house-swap company. We’ll call that mother “Bridgit!” They have exhausted their dramatic talents trying to get each other to understand them.

Glenda has been there long enough that she is desperate for some companionship, and she is determined to have this conversation and get to know this woman. Bridgit has been very welcoming, and Glenda has taken the plunge to drive 12 miles ON THE BIG ROAD (!) to visit her at her home.

You’ve heard the old English proverb, “Where there's a will, there's a way!” I’m not sure which one of them thought it up first, but before long they both had their laptops out. Sitting side-by-side, Glenda and Bridgit had their first meaningful conversation...using Google Translate to bridge the language barrier! By the end of the afternoon, they both knew all about each other’s pasts and interests. They discovered so many things they had in common.

When I heard from Glenda last, she was looking forward to many more Google Translate conversations with Bridgit. A true friendship was born on line, but with the benefit of eye contact and body language. What a pleasure and relief to look forward to spending more hours in France befriending a French Bridgit!

Thank you, Google Translate!

P.S. When I told my husband Peter about this story, he laughed big and said, “That’s a great story for Mr. Google!”

RECOVERING NICELY!

Yes, I am recovering nicely after surgery last Monday. Sleep apnea wasn’t even on my radar a year ago, and now I have spent the night in a strange room where someone I had only just met taped 30 electrodes all over my body. Those electrodes were monitored all night long, and my doctor had the results by the time I went to see him. They called the process a Sleep Study. I called it quite bizarre! Did I leave out the parts about being video-taped all night long, being waked up sometime in the middle of the night to be told that sure enough, I was have sleep apnea episodes (stopping breathing, then gasping for breath much later, if I'm lucky!), being fitted with a VERY ATTRACTIVE (sexy even ***!!!) CPAP device (I affectionately call it my “elephant nose!”), then being asked to go back to sleep (still being watched, video-taped and monitored electronically). It was...memorable!

I love my husband Peter beyond measure to go through all of that, because I was sleeping just fine. HE was the one who was staying up wondering if I would actually gasp and breathe again. Of course, there was that part about stopping breathing, too; but I didn’t know any of that was going on.

So, I have used the CPAP device for 6 months not too successfully (it kept leaking air when I moved around, then THAT would wake up Peter anyway). We just considered looking for other options and decided that I would take the 70% chance that my apnea would be corrected with this surgery that I had on Monday. As Peter said yesterday, “We just need to wait until the sleep test is done in 2 months to be sure.” I definitely see progress, though; and I know my husband loves me lots to stick by me, through thick , thin, and the elephant nose.

“FOR BEAUTIFUL TO HAPPEN, IT HAS TO BE SEEN.”

Isn't it uncanny how you can relate EVERYTHING in life to whatever

your passions are?

Last night Peter and I attended the musical play “Ordinary Days” (Music and lyrics by Adam Gwon) at a small outdoor playhouse. In it was a song that spoke to my soul about relationships.

"Beautiful" was the name of the song, and the part I liked the best

was not a part talking about how beautiful a person was. The actor

sang about what it took for someone to be beautiful. "For Beautiful

to happen, it has to be seen." It struck me that it was a lot

like the old question about whether there is any sound when a tree

falls in the forest if nobody is there to hear it. It means nothing

for something or someone to be beautiful if no one sees it, and I'm

not talking about just seeing beautiful. I'm talking about REALLY

SEEING BEAUTIFUL! Everybody can be seen as beautiful in some way. It is the choice of the beholder to look for Beautiful or to see the faults in someone.

There was a student at my middle school ("Ed") who was living with his

grandmother and two younger brothers. The background story about Ed was long and sad. His emotional medical issues were extensive. He refused to take (or he spat out) his medications. He was a runner - often leaving his class and/or the school without permission. It was not unusual for the police to be called to assist the school in retrieving him. Ed was

a new student at our school one October, but by December he was sent

to an alternative school to finish the school year. He missed many of his classes and did slim to no academic work at our school, nor at the alternative school. His last quarter grades in the alternative school were all

0's. He was retained and slated to come back with us the next fall in the same grade.  In the mean time, Ed qualified for special education

services. He was to attend all academic classes in the Behavior

Disordered (BD) classroom. I was hopeful that Ed would be more

successful the next year. Our BD teacher was excellent.

I had seen the Beautiful in Ed. It was there. He derailed it by not taking

the 3 strong medications that were prescribed by his doctor, but Beautiful was there. Ed didn’t like the way it felt to have those medicines, and I

probably wouldn't either. His grandmother kept the doctors abreast of

Ed's behaviors at school and at home (wreaking havoc with his younger

brothers and the other boys in the neighborhood). She admitted him

to a psychiatric hospital for a few days every 3-4 months for the

doctors to get his medications straight and to give her and the

brothers a break. It just was not a pretty scene, but she never gave up on him. She had also seen the Beautiful in that young man, and she kept searching to find a way to let that Beautiful shine.

As it turned out, Ed did not return to our school the next fall. When school started, his Grandmother came to withdraw him. She had consulted with his doctors, and the decision had been made to allow him to attend a year-round special camp designed to use art, music and drama with students like Ed to bring out the Beautiful within. The adults were specially trained to see the Beautiful in each student and to help each one live his/her own Beautiful life, safely and peacefully. It was all accomplished by adults that could see the Beautiful within each person.

We never heard from Ed after he was withdrawn from our school; however, I firmly believe that Ed’s path in the camp was an outstanding opportunity for him to be loved into loving himself and being seen as Beautiful by himself, as well as others.

BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP HOUSE

Hi, everybody, 

I like to compare what happens to you in a school environment (or any other) with building a house.

Ö      First, there’s the idea, “Hmmm, wouldn’t it be nice to have my own house!”

(“That school sounds like a great place to work! I think I’ll apply there!”)

Ö      Next, there’s the plan. “How do I want my house to function and look? ” Answer lots of detail questions in anticipation of the actual building.

(“How do I want to be received?” Make application, anticipate the interview, research all you can about the school, and choose your approach that will help to determine the reception you want.)

Ö      Choose supplies carefully. “Which materials are the absolute best to use in construction of my house?”

(“How can I do the very best job ever?” Be prepared to do your job. Always be on time. Treat everyone else like you want to be treated. Be a lifelong learner yourself. Be respectful.)

Ö      Start the build. “How can I have the strongest foundation?”

(“What can I do to be proactive in my relationships?” Be ready for that first meeting with each person in the school. Be confident. Come in with a positive attitude. Remember names. Smile!)

Ö      Daily upkeep is imperative. “Keep it clean. Watch for termites or carpenter bees. Keep the yard mowed. Paint regularly. What else needs to be done on a day to day basis to keep this house healthy? There’s always something to do to take care of a house.”

(“I’m not going to let a day go by without consciously building up myself and the people around me.” Communicate in a productive, timely, effective way. Take care of yourself, as well as caring for others. Look for random acts of kindness that you can do.)

Ö      Make repairs as they are needed. “I need a list of repair people!”

(Adjust your behavior when you discover that something is not working. Ask for help if you need it. You’ll know it’s time to make a change when you “feel the heat or see the light!”) 

ITALIAN RELATIONSHIPS: YOU’LL NEVER BE ITALIAN!

As I approached after church, Vera was talking with her Italian hands to her 3 equally ancient friends. Knowing how many times she had made good-natured fun of me, I stood behind her so that all the others could see. I copied her hand motions as best I could (after all, only an Italian can “talk” like THAT!). My head lobbed up and down and back and forth and all around, just like Vera’s. I tried my best to silently mimic her speedy mouth, pontificating about whatever her passion was that day.

As the others enjoyed the show, Vera realized that something was going on behind her back. Spinning like a 16 year-old, she caught me in the act and immediately quipped the perfect reprimand, something like, “Oh, Colleen, give it up! You’ll never be Italian!”

My son Nick was with me, and he immediately evaluated the situation as an opportunity to rerun one of the many times he has bantered with his Crazy Grandma (her name for herself!). “Hold up there! I don’t know you, but you don’t need to be dissin’ my mama like that!” Nick said to Vera.

Not a nanosecond passed before she was in the game, “Yeah, big fellow! And what are you going to do about it, huh?”

Nick backed up with a grin and started the boxing dance with his dukes up! “Ah, you don’t even want to see, little girl! Try me!”

In the end, no one was hurt, and a great time was had by all. We could have charged admittance for that impromptu scene and gotten rich, or at least called it a fundraiser for the Senior’s Program at the church!

YOU’RE THE BEST MOM!

I hope all of you had a lovely Mother’s Day. While asking people this past week, some answers were not as positive as others.

Twelve-year-old Sally was in trouble with her mom for having a very active part in a conflict at school and lying about it later. Mom immediately came to the school when the administrator called; and the last I heard, Sally had most of her fun toys taken away at home – no cell phone, tv in her room, or computer. Sally understands that her mom will do anything she needs to do to trust her daughter. However, when counseling for Sally and her family was discussed, Mom was firm that there was nothing wrong with her (Mom), and she didn’t see the need for outside people getting involved in their business. As you can imagine, this story has many more details than we can discuss here. Needless to say, Mother's Day was a bit strained at their house.

One adult showed me the picture of his elderly and infirm mother with whom he had a wonderful Mother’s Day visit finding her doing a little better and remembering good times. When I noted that she looked very much in charge, he responded with a smile, ‘“The Sergeant” will always be “The Sergeant,“ but we have always known she loves us.”

It is my belief that all mothers are the best mothers they can be, given their background of experiences, their medical conditions, their levels and types of training, and their current situations. Cherish your mother. You only have one.

Easter Birds

AT St. Catherine’s church, the Easter Sunday Sunrise Service is held under the huge oak tree just in front of the church, facing the sun that is rising behind the surrounding neighborhood trees. I’m quite positive that ALL of the birds in a wide area around the church gather to participate of the great celebration at that time each year.

Ushers are there well before dawn to set up chairs and welcome the worshippers. As people arrive, greetings are cheerful all around – lots of pleasant sounds for the birds to hear. By the time the service begins, the many birds in that great old oak tree are enthusiastic to join in the celebration!

Father Jim starts with gusto, “ Christ is risen!”

The birds and all of us respond in kind, “He is risen indeed!”

As the greetings, singings, prayings, readings, preachings celebratings and blessings progress through the service, those birds do what they do best! They tell us what we should already know – the sun (and Son) are about to rise with the promise of life everlasting!

Those wonderful sounding birds give me exactly the same messages as the rest of the service. It is as if they are following the bulletin, too. Their message reminds me that ALL of God’s creations are in relationship with one another. It is up to us to decide what that relationship will be. God loves us all. His risen Son showed us that!

ScreamFree Parenting Saves the Parent...and the Child

Have you ever had one of those epiphanies about whatever it is you’re doing that makes you totally change your way of acting in that situation?

Four weeks ago, a parent at my middle school came in with her son (and his grandmother- it takes a village...). She was frustrated that her son wasn’t minding her. She would make him study with her for, and he would still do poorly on the tests. All of his teachers said he was most capable, but sometimes he just didn’t do his best. How many times have I heard that from parents about middle school students? Lots!

As we talked, it became clear to me that this mother loved her son very much. Earlier in the year, we had had a similar conversation. My response was inspired by the philosophies in ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel) – especially “focus on yourself.” I could tell as we talked that she felt the issue was with her son, and when I mentioned that his behavior was in direct response of her power struggle with him, she couldn’t quite wrap her head around that idea.

Everybody learns differently – some learn better by moving, some by hearing, some by seeing, and some by reading. I knew this woman to be an avid reader, so I loaned her my copy of ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. (Not to worry, Hal. I immediately went out and got me another copy! I don’t last long without it!)

So, Thursday of this last week, I saw this same parent at the school. She ran to me and hugged me, saying, “Thank you so very much for introducing me to that book. My son is acting so differently now!”

“And...?” I responded.

She immediately knew what I was asking. “And, I’m acting differently toward him now. I try to NEVER scream. If he says he doesn’t have any homework, I say, ‘OK’. If he says he wants to play outside before studying for his test, I say,’OK!’ If he doesn’t make up his bed, he gives me a dollar from his allowance for making up his bed for him. I don’t need to scream at him anymore because I know that his choices will determine his consequences, and if I get mad and scream, that just means he has more problems than he created. It is so freeing to give myself permission to let this perfectly capable young man make his own decisions on the things that are appropriate for his age. I’m even trying to find other things to do, because I suddenly have so much more time on my hands, and my son and I are so much closer than we were. We were always fighting! Now, we’re not. The ScreamFree Parenting book has saved my relationship with my son! His father is not in the picture, and I wanted so badly for him to have a “normal” life. What made me think that being screamed at all the time was normal?”

Thank you, Hal. Another family is on the right track!

Start with Benvenuto!...Enjoy Making Friends from Around the World...End with Arrivederci!

Yes, it’s Italy! I breathe a long, peaceful sigh as I think of the place. When we went recently, we stayed most of the time in Sicily (“see chee lay ”), and it was simply magical.

The Planeta family’s La Foresteria became home base. Talk about the power of relationships! The staff was extremely welcoming, friendly and helpful. We wanted to send a book to our grandson about Italian farms that had buttons to make the animal sounds. Cristina offered to mail it for us. Peter thought up the idea of doing our own wine tasting. Francesco added a Planeta Vineyard wine and cheerfully wrapped all four bottles in aluminum foil; then, he played the part of sommelier to serve each wine. Of the 7 of us that happened there at the same time in the off season, all but one chose the La Foresteria’s owners’ Planeta wine as their favorite. Francesco cheered the loudest, and ran up the stairs to share the news with one of the Planeta owners. We needed a phone card, and again it just so happened that Cristina would be going by the store where she would be glad to buy one for us on the way to work the next morning. We couldn’t have been treated more graciously.

Did I mention the 7 of us? Scotland, Sweden, England, Brazil, Argentina, and the USA were all represented in that small group. English was the common language; but interest, caring, giving and sharing were the common goals as we nightly sat at the table for 30 that was intimately set for 7. Having this communal table encouraged all of us to reach out in friendship to the others from all over Europe and the Americas. Topics ranged from each person’s local environs to our favorite meals to pets to careers to extended family to plans for the coming days, and on and on. Stories galore were shared in that short space of 6 days. We all knew when Graham’s lost luggage was finally brought to him from the airport, when the safe that I made malfunction was repaired, when “foreigners” (We became quite possessive of our little home-away-from-home!) came in to take a cooking class, and when Paulo and Elaine joined us for just one night.

The most fun things about the whole experience were the commonalities that we discovered among the group. Paulo and Elaine came thousands of miles to meet Adrianna and Oscar, who live 5 minutes away in San Paulo, Brazil. Paulo and Elaine had also lived in Sweden, as had Fiona, Richard and Graham. Graham and Peter knew all about movies that anyone mentioned. Fiona, Richard and I all work in education. The similarities among us continued to crop up throughout the week. To come from so many diverse worlds, we learned that we had more in common than we had differences.

The relationships among the La Foresteria staff as well as all of us made this trip to the wonderful island of Sicily “more rich” and memorable. We are all already emailing each other pictures and saying, “We loved getting to know you. Please come to see us or let’s meet again at La Foresteria!” Now, how can anyone resist that invitation from friends? 

"You're So Smart, Kiddo!"

“You’re so smart, kiddo!”

How many times have you said that statement to your child? Encouraging! Lifting up! Building positive self-esteem! Showing how proud you are! Giving her a positive identity!

All of us want children in our lives to use their intelligence wisely, and to feel great about themselves The statistics show that for every negative comment or action toward a child, it takes 9 positive ones to undo the damage to the relationship. Even adults remember those negative strikes in a much more powerful way than the positive strokes we hear.

HOWEVER (What? There’s a HOWEVER to that concept of praising your child?), yes, HOWEVER, I recently read an article by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman in NEA Today (March/April 2011, pp. 30-34). It was entitled “The Praise Paradox; Are We Smothering Kids in Kind Words?” A very catchy illustration on the 2^nd page pictured a child who was Atlas-style, holding on his shoulders a HUGE caption ball where “you’re so smart, kiddo” was written. Then I noticed the expression on the face of the child. Desperation, fatigue, and panic were the emotions that his small face communicated. No self-confidence, just fear and insecurity. What could be so wrong with telling a child how great he is? The child in the picture looked permanently damaged – no way to get out of his situation of holding up someone’s comment that he was so smart.

Because I had been thinking for a while about the difference between praise and support, I began a list of characteristics that I would treasure in any child, and "smart" wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list. In fact, I found caring, tenacious, generous, respectful, persistent, fearless, kind, confident, curious, hardworking and cooperative taking the top eleven spots.  It occurred to me that those descriptors came from watching other people who had those qualities and with whom the had a strong connection. The child made the unconscious choice to be like that person. 

So, I went from there to the question, “What should we say to children that would be better than ‘You’re so smart, Kiddo!’” 

THE KEY WAS TO AVOID PASSING MY JUDGEMENT – EVEN JUDGEMENT THAT SOUNDED GOOD. I did not want children to require my label of “smart” for them to feel confident and persistent. What I did want was FOR THEM TO EVALUATE THEIR ACTIONS FOR THEMSELVES.  I could very easily relate my support through body language – smile, hug, pleasant voice tone - and a comment that would direct the judgment back on them. “Wow! Look at the smile on your face! You’re so proud of yourself!” or “You look like you really enjoyed working hard so you could make such a great project.” or “Isn’t it fun to help your Nonna and see how much she appreciates your help?”

Did I tell you my 7 month old grandson already calls me “Nonna?” :)

It's hard for us to allow children to make judgments about their surroundings, but that is what we need to prepare them to do. Think of all the situations they will need to evaluate as they grow up! They need practice while we are around to support them.

Dr. Colleen J. Morich (alias "Nonna!")

Sending My Baby to Travel the Earth!

Hi, are any of you parents out there?

If you have children, you have to relate to my feelings today. Have you sent them off for the first time to kindergarten? Elementary School? Overnight with a friend? Middle School? Summer camp? High School? College? To travel the earth?

Well, that's where I am. Today I sent the final copy of my Reviving Classrooms with CPR-Creating Productive Relationships book (that I have nurtured for 4 years) off to Eric at Avid Readers Publishing Group to be printed and travel the earth! Happy? Relieved? Scared? Proud? Lonely? Who would have thought that I would have such feelings about a little book?

At least, I get to have copies of it soon, and it will be so much fun to hear people talking about its travels. Please let me know what's going on with you after you read it! Or, if you're not an educator, wait a little while...I'm already considering a Parenting sequel, right after I finish the training manual/workbook for CPR-Creating Productive Relationships!

See, it takes just a little while for parents to get past any negative side of having their child take natural steps away from them. An empty nest is a perfect place to let your creative side take over and enjoy doing some things you've always thought you would like to do!

Enjoy your life!

Resuscitating Relationships

Hello, again!

Have you ever published anything? Did you go through what I did - writing is the easy part - finding/contacting/jumping through their hoops/waiting for a publisher is the real anxiety-producing part of publishing?

Confession time! I bought a book which listed thousands of publishers all over the world. I found one that was a perfect fit for my Reviving Classrooms with CPR - Creating Productive Relationships book - a FABULOUS  :) "how to" book for teachers. That one publisher was very well known. I prepared most of the items that they required. HOWEVER, all this time, I was thinking to myself, "This is so impersonal, and what if I don't know how to do what they ask? Who would I ask? What if they don't even respond back to me?" Don't forget, I'm all about the power of relationships, whether in schools, homes, businesses...even publishing companies! So I couldn't bring myself to send off the document to Mr./Ms. No Name/No Face Publisher. 


Saved by a friend! My Dissertation Chair Dr. Barbara Holmes and I went to lunch, and she told me she had just published her book about the dissertation process. She was wonderful as my Dissertation Chair, so I wasn't surprised that she had written a book about it; but, did she say it was PUBLISHED? Yes, she did, AND she was very pleased with Eric (She knows a first name?) at Avid Readers Publishing Group. She went through a self-publishing process, which means that she got her book virtually ready to print. Then, Eric PERSONALLY walked her through the fine print edits and made any changes that she requested. He consulted with her on every level of the preparing-to-print process, had the book printed, and sent it out to Amazon and others to be printed on demand. She paid next to nothing for this to happen, and now she is published - Congrats, Dr. Holmes!


I asked her if she would PLEASE give me Eric's information; and instead, she sent him an email to introduce me and told him that I would contact him soon. That was 3 weeks ago and the beginning of a fine RELATIONSHIP. Now, Eric and I are within a week of having my Reviving book and e-book ready to order online! It has been a totally anxiety-free, inexpensive and fun process! My impetus to publish was immediately resuscitated by having a trusting, working relationship with Eric!

Now, doesn't this just make all of you want to go into the world, write and publish!? It sure took away the scary aspects that I had heard about and imagined. What a relief! Now, I might just go ahead with the CPR relationships training book, the parenting book, the children's book and the memoirs of Italian trips that have been floating around in my mind waiting for someone that knows the importance of relationships in publishing, like Eric!

Promise to my Grandson

Welcome, Everyone!

Our 6 month old grandson loves life, and why shouldn't he? He is being raised by parents who love each other dearly and stick together in their parenting of him. He is adored by cousins, aunts, uncles, and all of his grandparents (except I can't possibly limit my feelings for him to JUST adored!). Friends of all of his family members dote on that little guy as if he were their personal entertainment center.

In every direction, our grandson is surrounded by relationships that lift him up, accept him unconditionally, challenge him to grow, provide peaceful connections and support his journey. So far, he has been enveloped by the best of our world. My wish for him, and all of his little buddies, is that their world will keep the best and discard the worst. Wouldn't that be marvelous?!

So, you might say, "What are you going to do about that?" Since I am only in charge of me, this is my promise to him: I promise to provide knowledge that people need to relate with others. I will do my part to encourage people all over to practice those skills that establish more and more support, acceptance,  challenge, peaceful interactions and lifting up.

I've started  to fulfill that promise by writing a book designed to help teachers create super relationships in their classroom- Reviving Classrooms with CPR-Creating Productive Relationships. Just for you, and your little buddies, my sweet grandson! "Nonna"